I left my house in the middle of the night and walked to a bridge to jump. By the time I had walked all that way and was at the bridge. The effort to climb to a spot to jump didn’t seem worth it all of a sudden.
When I was 17 i decided I wanted to kill myself. I hiked up to the top of this mountain to a summit called “Maidens Cliff”. there was a plaque at the beginning of the trail that told the story of a girl who had accidentally fallen and died while on a family hiking trip and how the cliff was named after her. By the time I’d made it to the top I’d changed my mind about jumping. About two years later I went back to that trail and hiked it with my family (they were completely unaware of what I had planed to do to myself on that cliff years prior). My mom read the story on the plaque aloud to all of us and I was so thankful that I had changed my mind about jumping because all I could picture was my name on that plaque instead of the girls. Time helps put life into prospective. The things you are going though are not worth ending your life over. Keep fighting. For your friends, for your family, and for your future self. You are worth it, life is worth it.
[Image: Screencap from the above website; you can click through to read the whole thing, but I’m going to copy-paste this same bit because it answers so many questions in my life – mostly related to “Why am I crying about this?”]
Rejection sensitive dysphoria
(RSD) is an extreme emotional sensitivity and emotional pain triggered
by the perception – not necessarily the reality – that a person has been
rejected, teased, or criticized by important people in their life. RSD
may also be triggered by a sense of failure, or falling short – failing
to meet either their own high standards or others’ expectations.
Dysphoria is Greek for “difficult to bear.” It’s not that people with
ADHD are wimps, or weak; it’s that the emotional response hurts them
much more than it does people without the condition.
When this emotional response is internalized, it can
imitate full, major depression complete with suicidal ideation. The
sudden change from feeling perfectly fine to feeling depressed that
results from RSD is often misdiagnosed as rapid cycling bipolar
disorder.
It can take a long time for physicians to recognize that these symptoms
are caused by the sudden emotional changes associated with ADHD and
rejection sensitivity, while all other object relations are totally
normal.
When this emotional response is externalized, it looks
like an impressive, instantaneous rage at the person or situation
responsible for causing the pain. 50% of people who are assigned
court-mandated anger-management treatment have previously unrecognized
ADHD.
Capslock translation from above: “Wow Im so glad my doctor told me about this” said none of us ever
One more reblog for the road. I’ve seen at least eight people go “There’s a name for this?” as a result of sharing this link, and I want to try and reach even more. It’s so meaningful to me to know that there’s something going on, and that it’s not just me being inadequate at dealing with my emotions. When you consider the level of horror I feel over even minor screwups, my reactions are completely understandable. My feelings are valid.
For anyone else out there who cries over spilled milk, or at the drop of a hat? This might be worth a read.
This is your irregular reminder that Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria Is A (terrible, horrible, no good, very bad) Thing.
Alternately, this is your notice that There’s A Name For That Horrible Experience.
Support to all of my fellow ADHD-ers out there; RSD is made of terrible.
Maybe you’re having a stressful day. Maybe you just need a deep breath. Maybe you just didn’t realize how stressed you are. It’s okay! You deserve love and warmth in your life.
It’s going to be okay. Today may be the worst day of your life – but tomorrow won’t be. Life is a series of ups and downs, and that means there’s going to be good and bad. Drink some water, let yourself cry if you need to, and get a good night’s sleep. You’ll feel better in the morning.
for the record, ‘not feeling anything’ is a valid and not unusual response to trauma or grief
so if you feel empty and devoid of feeling, it’s not because you’re a cold and uncaring person.
Sometimes, not feeling anything is the only way you can cope.
Be prepared for a delayed reaction, too. It’s very common to be totally calm during a crisis, and then days or weeks (or years) later suddenly get hit with a tidal wave of “HOLY SHIT THAT HAPPENED.”
Sometimes your mind waits until it feels safe to start processing things emotionally. It’s a powerful survival strategy, but it can really blindside you, because just as you start to feel like things are okay, you’re overwhelmed by the realization of how not-okay things were before.
This may not happen, and that’s okay too. But it’s something to watch out for when your initial reaction is numbness.
When I worked at a mental health crisis centre, I couldn’t believe how many people came to us, not because of their own problems, but because they were so lost in a friend’s pain that they couldn’t take it anymore. I saw a lot of people who were so worn down from helping someone else that they couldn’t sleep, eat, socialize or focus at work or school. They were consumed with guilt every time they put down their phones, went to sleep, or dared to enjoy themselves and have a good time. All because they had no idea how to set boundaries.
Helping your friends through a tough situation is a wonderful and noble thing to do, but it only works if you’re mentally in a place to do so. If you’re dealing with issues or mental illness of your own, you’re not always capable of being someone else’s shoulder to cry on 24/7. And that’s okay. Sometimes, you have to put yourself first. You can’t help someone else if you’re a mess yourself. You can’t save a drowning person with a sinking ship.
Telling a friend that you’re overwhelmed and you need a break is one of the hardest things you’ll ever have to do. Honesty is the best policy – don’t go radio silent on them, or avoid answering their messages. Be honest about how you’re feeling, and what you need from them. If you’re stuck on what to say and how to start the conversation, here are a few suggestions. Feel free to copy them exactly:
It’s really hard for me to admit this, but I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of a breakdown lately. I love you and I care about you, but I need to take some time to take care of myself for a while.
I’m really concerned about you, but I honestly don’t know how to deal with this and I’m worried I’ll say the wrong thing. I really think that you should talk to a professional about this.
This is hard for me to admit, but I have a lot going on in my life right now, and it’s getting to be too much for me. Would it be okay if we talked about lighter stuff for the next little while?
You deserve more support than I can give you. I think you need to tell a close family member or professional about what’s going on.
It seems like every time we talk about this, things are worse for you. I’m worried that my advice isn’t helping you at all, and I think you should talk to someone more qualified than me.
I’m really worried for your safety, and it breaks my heart, but I can’t keep you safe all by myself. Would it be okay if we told someone else what was going on?
I’m sorry, but I can’t answer my text messages 24 hours per day. I really want to make sure that you always have someone to turn to if I’m not available. Are there some other people you would trust with this? I can help you tell them, if you’re not comfortable doing it by yourself.
I hope these suggestions are helpful – best of luck to all of you, and make sure to put your own mental health first when you have to.
RENO MY RENO! Canadians fix people’s home improvement mistakes and are super nice about it but FIRM with man who don’t finish projects!
so far some shows that have worked for me:
Lord & Ladles – scottish chefs cook historical feasts in historical mansions! you meet wacky old money people and learn about strange things their ancestors got up to! you get to watch as world-renowned chefs fail at catching a fish! someone makes a hedgehog out of marzipan! people in the olden times ate some crazy shit! every episode ends with the chefs cheersing each other while lying on vintage furniture!
Big Dreams, Small Spaces – cute british people have cute yards that cute gardening man helps to make into much cuter yards. one lady wants to grow vegetables to share with her neighborhood. one lady wants to sculpt a huge mud head covered in moss coming out of the ground. one dad wants a garden for his down’s syndrome kid so he makes a sensory garden with a thousand different smells and textures. one couple wants to grow flowers for their wedding. it’s all wonderful.
Nailed It! – a bunch of people probably got high and decided to throw money at this show idea. everybody tries their best and everybody comes away either having learned something helpful, having had a rollicking good time, or having won a bunch of money. all the judges are good sports and nobody is made to feel bad for doing bad. also there’s some fucking crazy shit they get up to with modeling chocolate i tell you what.
Skin Wars – actually a lot about artists and their craft??? not really at all about sexy ladies being naked??? very cool stuff done by people with atrocious fashion sense and a complete willingness to buy into the moment. a few bad apples but mostly the reality-show-ness is pretty toned down and people are there to make cool art.
A Cook Abroad – chefs go to different parts of the world and learn about food there. A dumb white guy makes bread with adorable egyptian ladies! A british man gets exhausted by the length of roads in argentina and is only recharged by steak! An awesome woman makes cheese in france!
Love Your Garden – british man does garden makeovers for wholesome deserving families with special needs. Maybe a little bit on the weepy side of things but his assistants are all great and have fantastic hairstyles and people in wheelchairs deserve flowers!
Puffin Rock – this show is supposedly for babies but it is SO PRETTY and SO CHARMING and it’s about animals and nature and stuff and doesn’t really completely shy away from that?? like, one of the characters is a little rodent and the seagulls are the bad guys and he’s actually afraid of getting eaten?? anyway baby birds sing songs with baby bunnies and play splishsplash with baby seals and snuggle with baby animals of all sorts in a beautiful hand painted island.
Animal Airport – hey did you know some crazy shit goes down in Heathrow?? Did you know that there isn’t rabies in the UK? Everyone’s doggies and kitties have a long trip but they all get home in the end and also there are turtles and cheetahs and bugs and fish and everything!!!
this list is so relevant to my interests it hurts.
i’d also suggest the bbc historical farms series–it’s not on netflix, but it *is* mostly on youtube. the metafilter guide that originally introduced me to it is here. there are a bunch of different series of it, now, and each one is a group of archaeologists and historians living on a period location–victorian farm, they live in a farmhouse from the era, and they farm and raise animals and etc wearing period clothing, using period tools and sources as guides. and it sounds like it could be cringey, but they’re all experts in their fields and actually really invested in trying to do things well, so instead it’s a bunch of shows about teamwork and being friends (most of the core team stays the same) and learning things, and it’s delightful.
similarly, the sweet makers and victorian bakers have modern confectioners and bakers recreating period foods wearing appropriate clothing and using cookbooks from the era to guide them. (warning that one of the sweet makers episodes deals heavily with the history of sugar, and the slavery and horrific abuses associated with the same.)
If you want something positive, somewhat peaceful, and food craft related to watch on YouTube, look up loftypursuits (they make candy if you’re unfamiliar) and manaboutcakes (I might have a bit of a crush on the host)
I need my Netflix to have this category.
While I’m at it, I need Netflix to have the ability to make, curate and share playlists. Why isn’t that a thing?
Escape to the Country – British people looking for pretty houses in the country.
Ways in which my cat is helping me fix my mental health
Having a little living thing around makes me feel less alone.
He doesn’t have the expectations that humans have. He will never judge me or abandon me. He’s just there.
Caring for a living thing is honestly so therapeutic. I get to give, and I’m good at it. It’s good for my self-worth and it gets me out of my own focus.
It’s not a lot of pressure or a lot of work so it doesn’t affect my anxiety much.
I have to feed him and clear his litterbox which gives me regularity in my day. If I have to get up to feed him I don’t stay in bed all day.
I can talk to him instead of being alone with my thoughts.
Getting to know him, play with him, communicate with him keeps my brain busy so I don’t spiral.
Cats are lively and like to play. Life is easy and fun for them. Seeing things through his eyes gives me a different perspective.
They also sleep a lot and watching a cat sleep is one of the purest and most soothing experiences on this planet.
Very Soft. Peaceful. Grounding. Warm. Petting a cat will improve your day 1000x
PURRING. That’s all.
I love him. Feeling this love makes me feel warm inside, it’s gentle, it’s hopeful. And it shows me I can still feel good things.
He loves me back and I don’t think I’ll ever be over how happy and purry he is everytime I get home, how he comes running, taptaptap, squeaking, when I call his name, or the way he looks into my eyes when he feels safe and content. I’m loved!
I’m responsible for this little thing. He depends on me. That’s a good enough reason to stay alive even when things get bad.
If you are able to care for a cat, I could never recommend it enough. Plus, a lot of cats need homes.
If you can’t, know that Loki knows it gets bad sometimes but he also knows that you are brave, and that you will be okay.
He’s even bringing you a Totoro.
also cats are super easy to please. Give them a can of wet food, especially gravy lovers, and they are over the moon. You are their hero. And it feels damn good.
Fandom prefers their mentally ill characters to be like a fairy tale character, cursed to become a monster after spending 100 years with a wicked witch. Fandom loves Bucky Barnes because they see him as this cursed princess. When Bucky shows symptoms they manifest either as Sebastian Stan Looking Sad And Pensive, or as Literally Not In Control of His Own Body.
Tony Stark, a more realistic day-to-day portrayal of mental illness, is pretty widely hated and treated like a villain within the fandom. When Tony displays symptoms, it’s in making poor decisions out of desperation and fear. He goes to extremes. His mistakes made from fear based in his trauma blow up in his face. He displays coping mechanisms by being obsessive and unintentionally endangering people. He uses false arrogance and humor to distance himself, he lingers on his past trauma and it continues to shape his actions, often negatively, years later. He lashes out violently when he is faced with losing the few people he is close to.
Tony’s poor choices should not be excused because of his mental illnesses. He needs to be held responsible. But the way fandom treats Tony versus how they treat Bucky is pretty telling. Fandom doesn’t want mentally ill characters. They want innocent victims who cope in perfectly healthy ways and have never made any mistakes or poor choices as a result of their mental illness or trauma. They want someone they can feel sad about, but not someone with any messy symptoms.
Just as long as that mental illness isn’t inconvenient, unattractive, or uncomfortable!
XI's Archived Tumblr Blog 