Look i dont wanna sound like a Fandom Mom or whatever but what do you think women over 25 or so are supposed to do? Do u really think theyre supposed to drop all their interests and just talk about taxes and marriage or whatever? It seems like 25+ year old fanboys do not receive this kind of “ooh cringe” reaction either. There are guys in their 40s with comic book collections and shit and people might think theyre a nerd at worst, not a freak who shouldnt be trusted
Thank you.Because, here’s the thing, I literally tried that. And this sounds really dramatic but it kind of ruined my life for a long time.
Once I got out of grad-school and started working, at exactly age 25, I figured it was time to get serious because I was “too old for this stuff” and frankly I was afraid of being judged.
I sold all my comics, I stopped reading fanfiction, I stopped playing video games. All of it. It’s not that I never, ever watched anything “geeky” or spent a weekend binge-reading a kink-meme, but when I did, it was rare and I’d feel guilty about it like it was time wasted. I’d keep it all to myself, you know? And without any kind of inspiration, I eventually stopped drawing. After all, I didn’t need it for my “serious job,” so why bother? Unfortunately, my former skill is so atrophied now it’s nearly lost, but worse than that, it’s stressful now instead of the thing I loved to do for most of my life.
What was I doing instead? Well, I’d work my miserable, toxic job, come home and worry about how far behind everyone else I was, and how weird I was compared to all my colleagues. I’d go out with people and do the things they liked doing, but I only pretended to. But I’m not great at that and pretending to be someone else ate me alive. Unsurprisingly, by 31, my anxiety and depression was not in a great place, and I fuckin’ snapped. Not just because of this stuff, of course, but it honestly contributed. I quit my job and left town.
Suddenly I was completely alone, no job, no friends, and no reason to pretend to be someone else. So, I started doing all the things I’d given up. I read all the fanfiction I wanted, I bought a Playstation and an SNES and played them for hours. I bought back every comic book I loved, watched every Marvel movie I missed, and caught up on my favorite characters. I started traveling around just going to cons for the first time (NYCC, GeekGirlCon, DragonCon, etc). In fact, at @geekgirlcon and DragonCon especially, I saw groups of women who were 60+, just fucking enjoying things, and it made me feel so much better about my future. I’m not even joking, I literally cry every time I think about it, because I never realized how scared I was about aging in a world that thinks I’m already a decade too old for the things I love. Suddenly, that wasn’t so scary.
And then I just stopped pretending that I wasn’t into this stuff. I mean all of it, even the stuff no one understand, even the stuff people openly make fun of, even smutty fanfiction.
And look, I’m not saying this cured my depression, or that everything is perfect. For one, I picked a city that’s awful for geeks and I’m trying to figure out where to move and how. For another, I lost six years of making like-minded friends, and it’s hard to find them now because we’re all so worried about being judged and online – the space that was always a refuge for me as a loner weirdo growing up – is now apparently a Children of the Corn. But I’m happier here, actually fucking liking things, than being the unobjectionable robot woman I’m apparently supposed to be.
I don’t expect anyone to actually be interested in this, or have gotten this far, but because I’m having feelings about turning 36 on Monday, I just want to tell anyone who is about to turn 25 that you should just tell people to go fuck themselves. It’s your life. You’re going to offend people no matter what you do, at least choose the direction that makes you happiest, because those people certainly aren’t going to pay for your fucking therapist bills, are they?🦖
pssst
imma tell you a secret
the people saying you must give up the things you love upon reaching adulthood are
wrong
DO 👏 NOT 👏 GIVE 👏 UP 👏WHAT 👏YOU 👏 LOVE 👏 FOR 👏 SOCIETY’S 👏 SAKE
Relationships get so bananas when you start deciphering the other person’s love language.
Like I thought I was just acquaintances with this person because they never told me details about themselves and we just talked movies and writing . But then they made time to have coffee with me and they showed up out of breath because they ran. Like. RAN to be on time for coffee with me?
And I was like “i don’t mind waiting” cause I never want to run
But they said they wanted every minute they could get because I’m so busy usually
Which is when it clicked that I didn’t get how much they considered me a friend because I just straight away didn’t see MY signs of affection in them and went “cool! Casual buds it is.” But now that I’m seeing their signs of affection, I feel a little silly for dismissing them like that even though I felt like we could be best bros.
Anyway, some people show affection through time or intensity or commitment and not vocally. I really have to remember that!
“And remember: the sky is the limit! You can be anything you want to be!”
“Thank you. I want to be a secretary.”
That stopped them short. “What?”
“A secretary,” she repeated.
“But…” they trailed off, dumbfounded. “Why? You could be a CEO, a scientist, a law–”
“I don’t want to be a CEO,” she said. “I want to be a secretary.”
They scoffed. “You want to answer phones all day?”
She smiled. “Yes.”
“Schedule appointments?”
“I like organizing.”
“Be a second banana?”
An affirmative nod. “I’m skilled at helping.”
“I just don’t understand,” they said. “HOW could you be okay with all of this?!”
“I enjoy the work.”
“BUT YOU CAN BE WHATEVER YOU WANT TO BE!”
“I know.”
“Then WHY?!”
She shrugged.
“Because I want to be a secretary.”
Honestly though, this is very similar to my mom’s experience. She’s always been super bright, but has realized as she’s gotten older that intellectual pursuits just aren’t her jam. She dropped out of her PhD program to have kids, and although she has her master’s and was a pretty good school psychologist, she hated having to make huge decisions. She’s a church secretary now and loves it, and she’s GOOD at it; she’s letting her school psych certification permanently expire this year with zero regrets. If you can be anything you want, that includes the things we don’t tend to value as highly as a society. Not everybody is built for or wants the “respectable” careers.
My grandma did this to me, saying that i didn’t want to get stuck on the outside, making coffee and filing papers. The thing is, that’s exactly what I’ve always enjoyed the most, making and organizing things. That would be enough for me.
Nobody seems to realize that if you tell people they can be anything they want to be they will. And not everyone WANTS to be doctors or lawyers or CEOs or scientists. Sometimes, they just want to be a secretary.
it took me a LOT of therapy before i was able to shrug off the effects of the Gifted Child Upbringing enough to realize that what i really wanted to be was a house husband and Local Queerdad who writes novels sometimes. god, i’m so much happier now.
ain’t nothing wrong with an ordinary life. don’t let anybody tell you you have to be the top dog to be worth anything.
If it weren’t for secretaries, we wouldn’t HAVE doctors or ceos. We need to learn to value all work.
Also don’t overlook @jumpingjacktrash’s point, being a stay-at-home parent/spouse is also TOTALLY VALID.
“You can be anything you want” means you can be ANYTHING. YOU. WANT.
You are not “wasting your talent” if you choose a job that is fulfilling for you and meets your needs (I mean sometimes you just need to pay the bills and that’s okay too).
I know it can be a nightmare to dig through the tags and see all those asks and not the guides. So here is a handy-dandy list of all the “official” how-to posts.
FYI: This used to be a rude advice blog. It is not any longer. Some of the really old guides still use that format, but as they are updated with more information, they’re edited to fit the new, less abrasive format. For more info, please visit the about page.
All posts are written by Jez (@typesetjez, formerly called “The Responsible One”) unless otherwise noted.
Reblogging this for anyone who made a 2017 resolution to get their finances in order, move out, start taking care of themselves, or just generally grow the fuck up. Please share with your friends who might need some help with their goals this year!
When communicating to someone about a sensitive topic, I’ve found it’s helpful to explain why you want to talk about it. If you say you’re worried, or hurt, or just needed to get it off your chest, it can help the other person not get defensive and then more completely process what you’re saying.
Many relationships die by a thousand little cuts. Little problems that on their surface are penny-ante. But the real offense, the hurt, is unresolved. And the little hurts pile up and the resentment builds until things fall apart.
It’s very easy for people to read a bad intent when you’re communicating a problem. Sometimes it’s a natural defense mechanism, if you think someone is just being shitty then you don’t have to really hear them. But it can just as often simply be an incorrect assumption. Communicating your intent can stop that from happening and help the conversation come to a more fruitful resolution.
But if you break it down, your intent is not just a lubricant to keep the conversation productive. Your intent is the point of the conversation. More often than not the problems we have with each other are not the real issue, it’s how those problems make us feel. When you communicate your intent, you’re fully explaining the issue that needs to be resolved.
“I’ve been missing you, could you skip your TV show tonight so we can play a video game together?” works better than “You don’t give me enough attention.” or “you watch too much TV.”
Or “I suspect it’s just my anxiety, but I’m worried that you’re angry with me because you’ve been kind of quiet.” is better than just “Why are you so distant?”
For years I worried that we couldn’t discuss problems because it would cause a fight. That was how the world I lived in as a kid worked. Having a partner who is open to hearing you is huge, but choice of wording helps even when you have a partner who wants to hear you.
very good advice. it really helps when you give the other person something actionable. a request, a suggestion, an offer to brainstorm. don’t complain; troubleshoot.
you don’t have to be emotionless or conciliatory. it’s ok to express anger. just be mature about it, and respect the other person. don’t go on a power trip, don’t leverage your legitimate gripes to make them grovel. keep your eyes on the prize. if you don’t know what the prize is, the next step is to tell them so and invite them to help you figure it out, not to moan until they miraculously do the right thing at random. even when you’re super upset you can still apply these skills.
wrong: “this place is a damn landfill because nobody but me does any housework!”
right: “there is some serious housekeeping fail going on around here. it’s kinda driving me bugfuck. i want to sit down and take a look at how we do the housework, because how we’re doing it right now sucks.”
see how the second one doesn’t blame? blame’s not important. responsibility is important, but that has to be worked out calmly or it’s not going to be functional. the first person is picking a fight; the second person is trying to solve a problem. you’ll notice they’re not smoothing ruffled feathers or acting apologetic, they’re clearly quite annoyed. but they’re aiming their anger at the situation, not the person.
even if they are angry with their housemate, working those feelings out is beyond the scope of the conversation. trying to combine venting with chore planning is, imo, the number one cause of screaming kitchen fights on planet earth.
1) when it comes to kitchen stuff, QUALITY IS KEY. Pyrex, Anchor, Pampered Chef, OXO, Le Cruset, KitchenAid, etc. All those name brands you see? There’s a reason they’re so popular. Now some brands are better than others. Pampered Chef and Pyrex are like tier 1 for kitchen stuff, and KitchenAid mixers will last for literal decades (my mom got hers for free from my aunt when she shut down her pie shop and she’s had it for 2 decades and it’s still fucking running) but that shit can get expensive. Which leads to tip 2
2) DO NOT BE AFRAID TO BUY USED. Go to Goodwill and Salvation Army. Go to thrift stores and antique stores. Fuck go to family and friends and ask if they have any extra baking dishes or utensils they never use and can part with. Recently a friend of my grandma’s was moving into assisted living cuz she was starting to have bad memory problems (thankfully she was not forced into moving cuz my grandma’s friend knew she was having problems but that’s besides the point) point is her family needed to get rid of all the things she had accumulated. So they were holding an estate sale where you picked out what you wanted and paid whatever price you felt was fair. I bought real Tupperware storage containers, Corelle baking dishes and dinnerware, Oneida flatware, Pampered Chef earthenware stoneware, a full set of antique pyrex mixing bowls, AND a le crusete dutch oven and sauce pan, and a repurposed Singer table for $125. I saved hundreds of dollars and I still paid them more than what they would get selling it to an antique store.
3) Seriously if you can avoid it, go to a thrift store. I was at a Goodwill a couple weeks ago seeing if they had a dining table I liked and I strolled past the glassare and saw Pyrex baking dishes and full sets of glassware and cocktail glasses. I recommend going to the thrift stores or Goodwills in swankier neighborhoods since they’ll probs have nicer stuff.
4) if you have to buy new, check out stores like HomeGoods or TJ Maxx which carry over stock or out of season items. Depending on the time of year, the variety of items available will change, but HomeGoods will typically always have items like baking sheets and cake pans, cookware, utensils, glassware, sheets, towels, shower curtains and the hardware, furniture, pet supplies, much cheaper and better quality than walmart or target. Ross is also a good option, but that place is hit and miss.
5) IKEA!!!!! Seriously. Go to fucking IKEA. Or at the very least check out their website. If you can, take a trip to their store. I don’t have an IKEA close enough to me to visit whenever I want, but there is one within a reasonable driving distance. (3 hours) I was able to look at their items in person, see their quality, check out colors, and even try out some mattresses for future reference. Now I know how everything is and the relative size so now whenever I go online and want to order something I know exactly what I’m getting. Even if you can’t go to one of their stores check out their website. Their dinnerware is cheap but good quality and you’re not forced to get those stupid matching mugs other dinnerware sets make you buy.
6) Check out apps like Mercari, Letgo, Offerup, and even Facebook marketplace. You can get good quality furniture for cheap, and some even let you search by locale and allow you to come visit the piece to see it in person. I’m fairly certain Facebook does this.
7) Drive around your neighborhood or town. I’ve seen people throw away seemingly perfect items. One time my friends and I were walking to a Pokestop (shut up a lot of people still play pokemon go) and noticed this dumpster had two perfectly nice looking desk chairs next to it. We didn’t go check it out but I’m sure they were still useable (albeit probably very smelly) And even if you don’t wanna check out dumpsters (this one was located at the edge of a park’s parking lot with nothing but grass behind it so it’s not like we were walking down an alley way) you can just see what people put out on the curb. That shit is free for the taking. My brother found my mom’s exact vacuum. We scrapped it for parts and was able to get like 3 more years out of it. Although, use this method with caution. You don’t know why it was thrown out, especially if it has fabric like a chair or sofa. Check it for bugs, bed bugs, spiders, rodents, termites, what have you. If you really like it, have it deep cleaned by a professional or something.
8) DON’T SKIMP ON THE MATTRESS! Buy a cheap sofa. Buy low budget bookshelves. Buy a cheap ass bed or just leave the bed on the floor, but don’t cheap out on the mattress. You spend 1/3 of your life on your mattress. Make sure it’s a good 1/3. A bad mattress can cause back problems for your entire life. Nowadays, you can get a really good foam, latex, or memory foam mattress for around $500-$800 if you look around. Ashley Furniture has some nice ones for that price. IKEA has nice ones as well. Hell, Sams Club has some nice Serta mattress available. Wayfair has a shit ton of mattresses around that price. Be wary of buying online. Unless they have a trial offer, i wouldn’t recommend it. Casper, Leesa, Nectar, and Purple are all good options. They’re on the pricier range. The gist of this is save up the money and buy a good mattress. THIS is the only thing I recommend splurging on.
I hope all this helps everyone looking to move out on your own for the first time and are feeling overwhelmed and don’t know where to start.
*this is especially important: these days on Tumblr there’s a wonderful atmosphere of being able to talk openly about your mental illness or your struggle. And that’s great! But there’s a difference between sharing in order to help yourself and other people and sharing just because you have no other coping mechanisms. As much as you’re able, try to work on developing a different outlet. People aren’t qualified to be your therapist because they’re nice to you a couple of times. Please remember that they have lives too, and their job is not to make you feel better or pity you, no matter how difficult your life is.
And last but not least:
But…
I really don’t have a way to better this.
Your interests are your own. I can’t advise anyone to change their interests to fit in with a certain group of people – that’s stupid, and actually quite damaging to your sense of self.
Instead, I would recommend that, maybe if you feel like your topics of conversation are falling flat with this group of people, you move on to other, greener pastures. There are bound to be places where your ideas mesh better with an audience.
And of course – try to be considerate about what you say and how you say it.
Sometimes, what might seem like a harmless comment to you might be a very discomforting thought to another person. I recently had a conversation on a forum with a guy who was telling me that his headcanon was that Pearl (from SU) would soon get a male love interest who loved mechanics and weapons next, and that would be her best arc, because she would finally get a ‘healthy’ love interest.
His intentions were good, but he was entirely unaware of how cringey this kind of thing was to a bunch of (probably queer) people, who have spent their entire lives being told that the only ‘good’ character development for them would be to get a ‘male love interest’. No one wanted to be the jerk to say “fuck off, we don’t want that to happen” but everyone was answering him in a flat way, trying to discourage the discussion further. Instead of picking up on the hint, he bulldozed on, thinking he was having a ‘lively conversation’ which was, in fact, in its late stages of death.
I know I’ll probably get a few messages to this saying: What about people on the Autistic Spectrum? Sometimes, people can’t pick up social cues or ‘hints’. And if that’s the case, it’s incredibly difficult to understand why you’re not having any luck communicating despite your best efforts.
I feel that on a person level, please believe me. I made this infograph for THAT VERY REASON. Because I WAS that awkward kid who didn’t pick up on hints well. In fact, I still have trouble talking to people. If any of you have had the misfortune of being my conversational partner, you’ll know that I tend to be overly blunt and come off as very unfriendly. It’s something that I, myself, am working on currently in order to grow into a better person. It’s a struggle in progress, but I am aiming towards the progress side, and I just wanted to help out others while I was at it.
Is really a shitty concept. You’re too old for everything. Cartoons, sleepovers, candy, etc. Basically, you’re too old for fun. You shouldn’t be too old for fun ever in your life. If you want to watch cartoons, do it! If you want to have sleepovers, do it!
CS Lewis famously said that the intrusive desire to appear grown up all costs was in of itself a childish trait that secure adults should’ve grown out of it.
He worded it that “When I was young I hid my love of fairy tails for fear of ridicule, now that I’m 50 I read them openly”
All this is true.
The intrusive desire to appear “mature” is a major insecurity in and of itself and the sooner we learn hobbies have no age limit that get’s you thrown out for hitting it, the better.
I have a personal theory that every single person on this earth wonders when they’ll start feeling like an adult. And that anyone who claims otherwise is in denial because of this insecure urge to appear “grown up”.
Which is a lovely theory because it can’t be disproven. If you disagree you’re just in denial.
“I need an adult. Wait, I am an adult. I need an adultier adult.” If you’re over 18, you relate to this.
Maybe people over fifty start wondering how they got this far.
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