*everything* that’s considered romantic has been conditioned by society, it’s performative, like the emotion can be genuine but romantic *gestures* are a societal construct, chocolates, flowers, rings, there’s no inherent act of romance, the purest form of what is conceptualized as “romance” can probably be boiled down to emotion + intent, and the manifestation of that combo’s gonna be different for everyone
an action evoked from a feeling of adoration and the need to express it can be constrained by what society provides, but once it’s made irrelevant the meaning becomes tailored to those experiencing it; someone giving fancy chocolates to their s.o. because it’s ‘the thing to do’ can’t measure up to someone giving the chocolates because they know their s.o. thinks the boxes are nice and really likes hazelnut fillings, same gesture, but former lacks ‘inherent’ romance because romance isn’t ‘inherent’, the later has a standard approach but it goes beyond what’s considered ‘romantic’
Hello I am a big fan of Obstinaterixatrix’ Romance Meta and I’m just gonna add to this bc it’s a good post.
I feel like what makes the difference between something being romantic and something being What Society Says Is Romance is the connection between people.
Let’s say two people arrive on my doorstep. One of them has a bouquet of expensive roses from the florist. The other one has a dead bird in a plastic bag. We all know which one is to be considered the romantic gift (hint: it’s not the corpse)
And it’s not like I don’t like flowers or am allergic or anything, I would probably be flattered. But I have no connection to roses, and like, you can give roses to more or less anyone
Dead birds are not a standard gift, for pretty obvious reasons. A person bringing me a corpse in a plastic bag had to know me well enough to know that I collect bones and process them myself, and you don’t go shopping for birds in the Dead Bird Shop around the corner, so that means this person didn’t go out with the intent of getting me something and came back with an Appropriate Gift, they probably stumbled across something and thought about me (this ‘something’ just so happens to be a dead bird, because I’m weird)And then they had to go through the process of picking this bird up and bagging it and bringing it to me, probably pretty spontaneously and without a calendar event that says Find Dead Bird For Raptor with a timeslot between three and four pm.
You can’t have Corpse I Found In a Ditch be romantic without some sort of connection here. Roses can be romantic, but it can also just, be a formula. Two plos Two Equals Romance. A shortcut for ‘I care about you‘, even though the person might …. not, actually.
If it’s someone who loves fresh flowers in their home but rarely has the money to buy large arrangements, or like OP’s example where person A gets the chocolates because they know their s.o. thinks the boxes are super cute, then we have Standard Romantic Actions actually be romantic, but they might as well not be.
This is where my squad has the joke of someone posting a picture of a dead rat to the skype chat and goes ‘Raptor I saw this and thought of you‘ and I go -exaggerated gasping noise- “how dare you blatantly flirt with me right in front of my girlfriend“ from (and also THIS JOKE that bunch of people were confused about). Because there’s INTEREST and CONNECTION there. They’re obviosuly not actually trying to steal me from my gf, but there is a human connection and a knowledge of who I am and what I want to be associated with. The humor then comes in from the self-awareness that this could very much be the opposite of a compliment in, like, probably most other situations ever.
So TL;DR: Things can’t be romantic without the connection between people, no matter how ‘inherit‘ people claim the gesture is. However, more or less anything can be a romantic gesture if there’s the right connection and consideration behind it. Taking out the trash can be romantic. Bringing home a dead fox can be romantic. There’s no Romance Shortcuts. You have to actually care about the other person (sorry, Writers Of Like 9 Out Of 10 Mainstream Movies), there’s no way around it.
So basically: Care about each other!! If you’re writing, write characters who care about each other!! And if you don’t know what character A could do for character B, you might wanna look into whether or not you’ve made a Cardboard Love Interest, like I feel many mainstream writers do. But that’s a whooooole ‘nother can of worms.
There’s so many cans of worms.
Oh god there’s so many worms.
Please help.
I’ve wondered for a long time why so many fictional romances feel forced and this is the exact reason. So many main couples in media only express their love through performative romance.
This is also why a lot of platonic fictional relationships are seen as romantic because for some reason screenwriters have a habit of making friends express their love for each other with actual thought and intent to their actions.
Do you collect books and let them sit on your shelf!?
WHAT IS THIS!? AMATEUR hOUR? OF FUCKING COURSE!
Do you spend WAAAAAAY too much money on books even though they’re totally worth it but holy fucking shit fifteen dollars is the median and why is the world so effortlessly cruel?
Who’s got two thumbs and an empty wallet! Yes yes and yes!
WELL HAVE I GOT A SOLUTION FOR YOU
Thriftbooks is an amazing online site that sells used books! These books are, for the most part, in great condition. I’ve used this website for everything from textbooks to fiction to everything else in between! It has a wide selection with an even wider selection of options per book!
You want softcover? They’ve got it! Hardcover? Of course! Audio? Why not!
Hell! They even sell the books in other languages!
You might say to me, humanity, why are you telling us this? We already have barnes and noble!
Because, my poor, naive friend, thriftbooks sells the majority of it’s books for under four dollars.
That’s right. You heard me. Under. Four. Dollars.
And right now, they’re having a huge deal!
2 books for $7
3 books for $10
4 books for $12
But wait! There’s more!
If you leave a book in your cart for long enough, chances are you’ll be alerted when a seller nearby, for a cheaper price, has the same book! You’ll get it cheaper and faster, with less waste of paper and time!
And prices change! That book that would have cost you $3.79 one day might be $3.45 the next, and man oh man isn’t that the best thing to see when you check up on your cart.
So what are you waiting for, book lovers! Go! Go shop!
Go and rule the world!
Be the book lovers I know you can be!
DID I MENTION THAT THERE’S FREE SHIPPING OVER 10 DOLLARS
DID I MENTION THAT THERE’S ALSO A COUPON CODE YOU CAN USE FOR A LIMITED TIME
type in the word “welcome” when you get to checkout and you’ll get 15% off!
DID I ALSO MENTION THAT THERE ARE READING REWARDS
AND THAT EVER $50 YOU SPEND THEY GIVE YOU $5 BACK.
guys
five dollars
on this site
is a book
that is the cost of an entire book
you’re literally getting a free book
I NEED Y’ALL TO SEE THIS SIDE BY SIDE THOUGH
So to prove my very real point, I went to Barnes and Noble and picked out some of my favorites books that I already have on my shelves
(also, fyi, y’all should read these they’re bangin)
AND BECAUSE THE SHIPPING IS SO INSANE, IT WAS MEAN TO COME OUT TO $47.85 (and that’s at an online price, which discounts by a few dollars)
But with shipping, handling, and the extreme cost of books, my total came to this:
$72.30
Okay. Then I went onto thriftbooks and chose the same books in the same formats (hardcover, softcover, etc.)
Keep in mind that not all books are under $4 due to size, availability, how new they are to the world yada yadayada
But this was the final shopping cart.
Look.
Look at those lovely books.
My final check out price?
$21.86
AND THAT DOESN’T INCLUDE ANY OF THE AMAZING DISCOUNTS, DEALS, AND/OR PROMO CODES.
If you do the math, I saved $50.44.
And even if Barnes and Noble had given me that free shipping, I still would have saved $25.99. Do you know what that could buy you? That could buy you four more books on thriftbooks!
Thriftbooks fucking saved my broke college ass. And I’d encourage you all to use it if you can. Shipping may take 4-14 days, but I swear to god it’s worth every dollar that I would have burned.
THIS IS IN NO WAY AN ENCOURAGEMENT TO STOP SHOPPING AT BOOKSTORES. PLEASE DON’T. LOCAL BOOKSTORES ARE IMPORTANT AND VITAL AND SHOULD BE SUPPORTED!
I’m mostly making jabs at the big name companies, and honestly, my broke bookworm ass needs a break.
NOW YOU MAY ASK ME
HOW
HOW CAN IT GET ANY BETTER THAN THIS!?
It can’t. There’s no way!
WELL YES IT FUCKING CAN, BOOK NERDS!
Did you ever think to yourself; I love to read. But I sure wish there was a way to read my own books while I multi-task by helping the environment, the economy, and the seemingly never-ending and growing gap between low-income schools and libraries and their availability to reading material all at the same time…
Well, there is.
It’s called shopping at Thriftbooks
And what’s more:
Boom.
Right there.
This place is fucking amazing as hell and you should use it as often as you possibly can.
Save the environment. Keep your mind running. Shop Thriftbooks.
Japan had a nasty habit of invading Korea for around a thousand years or so and vice versa there’s probably something out there about how it all started but I don’t know how reliable it would be.
Short version is they’ve been at each others throats for as long as they’ve known about each other……less so recently tho.
England and France have been doing the same since forever, and in the last 100 years or so, they made up. What makes them so different?
Lot’s of built up hatred to the best of my knowledge. Third generation ethnic Koreans living in Japan still have a hard time because of xenophobia from stories I’ve read and such.
@northern-rebel is the closest to a Korean I know on here, so she may have some local perspective considering she lives there, and she’s fair in her assessments, so I’ll pass the question off to her for at least the Korean perspective.
Japanese imperialism seriously fucked up the WHOLE of Asia. Koreans are just an example of many because they got fucked pretty hard during that period. Iirc they weren’t even allowed to have korean names or some bizarre shit like that. Japanese people where (and still are) pretty fucked up
Definitely. And then there’s the whole thing about comfort women.
That would explain some of the current animosity for sure
The Japanese have a whole we’re-superior-to-everybody-else-especially-Koreans thing going on. Ironic, since the Japanese Islands were settled by ancient Koreans, as I recall.
God damn I guess we humans will always have something petty, huh?
Still a lot of bad blood over the last round of invasions in WWII, where the Japanese occupiers were…less than gentle.
My reading of this is that France and Britain had a common enemy twice. Whereas Japan and Korean have never had a common enemy..
Well, that and of course the fact that the wounds are a lot fresher. As in still within living memory.
While France and Britain are more the neighbors who quietly detest eachother, but not so much as to be more than jokingly hostile.
Platonic love is real love and shouldnt be treated like less becuase it isnt romantic. Defining love as only romantic is a terrible concept. You should be able to love people in a platonic way as much as romantic way and not be seen as less
The Greeks were so much wiser than us modern folk, when talking about love. They believed it existed in eight different forms:
1. Eros (erotic love). This is, simply put, the sexual attraction you feel towards someone. In its best form, passion can be transformative… but it can also become destructive if not kept under control.
2. Philos (friendship). This is the love we treat as lesser in the modern world. Ironically, the Greeks considered it superior to eros as philos was considered a love between two equals and free of the animalistic pull of sexual desire. Philos is the kind of love two warriors who’ve shared a foxhole feel for one another.
3. Storge (familial love). This is the love and pride we take in our kinsmen and lifelong friends. For those who are deeply attached to their family name, who remember family members who pass on with great fondness… This is the name the Greeks, a culture based very much on accruing honour to one’s name and descendants, bestowed on this form of love, as it was so very important to them.
4. Ludus (playful love). The affection between young lovers, this is what we modern folk call “puppy love.” The flirting, teasing and childlike euphoria at being in a new relationship is all part and parcel of this form of love. The Greeks felt that love should have a sense of fun and play; it need not be serious 100% of the time.
5. Mania (obsessive love). This is what happens when love gets scary, and is the purview of stalkers and the most deluded among us. The Greeks believed that this occurs when there’s an imbalance between the presence of ludus and eros in one’s psyche. Those who experience this form of love also become codependent, and may be perpetrators of abuse of their loved ones.
6. Pragma (enduring love). This is a mature form of love, having aged like fine wine with time. It’s commonly seen in couples who have been married for decades, and is something we all secretly yearn for – the companionship that looks beyond our limitations, yet loves us for our frail humanity. A love where we are accepted unconditionally and will never stray from us. It’s hard to find, and takes a lot of time and patience to cultivate.
7. Philautia (self-love). This is where having a “positive mental attitude” and engaging in self-care comes in. The Greeks understood that, in order to care for others, we must first tend to ourselves. This is not a sense of vanity, but an awareness and acceptance of who you really are, showing yourself compassion in darker times.
8. Agape (brotherhood). This is the greatest form of love there is, and the hardest to aspire to. It demands nothing less than feeling love for all human beings, compassion for all creatures, an acceptance and forgiveness of the flaws of humanity, and the desire to ease the pain of those who suffer. To see in the eyes of every human being your brother, your sister – when humanity, in your mind, becomes your extended family. It’s not about paying lip service to religions that preach compassion, it’s about showing love for others in every word and deed.
So, if you thought romantic love (eros) was all there is to knowing and feeling love? You thought wrong. Let’s learn to love love in all its forms.
My friend turned 29 today.
For his birthday, he hosted several “challenges” to set our stats – contests of strength, agility, wisdom, etc. (constitution was how well we could bear eating spicy salsa, intelligence was nerdy trivia, etc)
Based on our final stats, he assigned characters – heroes of various types, or goblins.
We then went out and played “live” DND.
Everyone here is between ages 23 and 29.
Anyway, if someone says adulthood means abandoning ridiculous parties and fun times with your friends they’re full of shit.
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